Expecting Again

I lost my baby in January and found out I was pregnant about a week later. I had a miscarriage in April, and THEN, six months later, in October (the same month my son was born), I found out I was pregnant again. HOW?! Well, I know how… but HOW? And why? I was on birth control and had planned to heal and wait a while to decide whether or not I wanted to have another child. However, I was reminded that God makes the plans, not me.

This pregnancy was different from the pregnancy and miscarriage I experienced in April. When I found out, I told no one but my therapist - not even my significant other or mother. I was in shock and disbelief… maybe even in denial. I didn’t call the doctor right away, and I even tried to ignore what was happening. I was (and sometimes still am) fearful, anxious, and confused. This time, though, I felt an additional feeling: I felt hope.

This time, I prayed over my womb and my family. This time, I didn’t feel targeted; I felt blessed. This time, I wasn’t angry at God; I was in awe of Him. Not only was I still standing after my storms, but I realized I was also blessed to be expecting again. 

Though I still had fear, and negative thoughts would still come in and invade my space, I tried my best to push them away. Sometimes I would picture myself miscarrying. I would still wonder what could go wrong, and I would still wonder what God was actually doing. 

Being pregnant again is a “hold your breath” experience. I literally hold my breath, and I forget to breathe. I often countdown how many weeks pregnant I am, and it feels like it’s going by so slow. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I  feared waking up to a miscarriage every morning.  I even had a couple of dreams about it. Despite those thoughts, I prayed and had hope. In my first dream, there was a ton of blood in my panties and all over the floor. I screamed and sobbed so loudly, I could feel the pain in my sleep. I cried, “God, please, this has to be a dream. Don’t take my baby. God, wake me up.” And He did. I popped up out of my sleep so afraid, but so grateful it was a dream and that God woke me up when I asked – even in my sleep. God was there for me right when I needed him. It made me feel silly about the times I questioned if He cared for me. 

As I got closer to 12 weeks, my fear thickened because it was around this time that I had a miscarriage during the previous pregnancy. I prayed to cast out fear and doubt and read my devotionals (look in the devotional section for those) to get me through each day. I expressed my fears, negative thoughts, and worries to my therapist, who continues to help me to reframe my thoughts and think more positively. I’m a work in progress.

I’m 25 weeks now, and although it still feels like I’m holding my breath, every once in a while, I’m able to breathe every now and again.