Speechless

I lost my baby in January 2020. Excruciating pain. I had a miscarriage in April 2020. Horrifying. I lost other loved ones and was impacted by the pandemic – worst year of my life.

All I could do was hope that 2020 did not get any worse. I decided to get on birth control because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have another baby at the time. I also wasn’t sure when I would want to again though I was concerned about my age and how long I could wait to have more children. At the same time, I was concerned about getting pregnant again. Could I carry another child? Could I get pregnant? Would I miscarry again? What would it be like to have another baby?

Every month after April, I thought I was pregnant again. Although I was on birth control, I experienced pregnancy symptoms each month, at least I thought I did. Each month my period would come and I would feel relieved yet sad. I didn’t want to have a child at that time but not being pregnant made me feel like I wasn’t going to be again…if that makes sense. It was taking a toll on me- thinking and feeling pregnant each month around the time of my menstrual cycle. I think it may have been the trauma, overthinking, and just missing my baby.

I decided that I would make it my duty to work on healing and to try my best not to overthink when my period was coming and, perhaps, plan the next child if I decided to have one.

But… God had other plans for me. October 2020, the same month my son was born, I found out I was pregnant again. I was speechless.